One of the most difficult and humbling things we face as human beings is to gain victory in the arena of career, whilst failing in the area of relationships.  In other words to win and succeed in one area of life at the expense of another area of life.  I have succeeded in my own mind, and yet have failed in the mind of someone whom I love.  Someone who’s opinion I value immensely.  There have been times when I feel like I have done something really great work, and yet my beautiful wife has a great talent of dragging my head down from ‘its lofty and prideful cloud’, and back to earth.  It is with simple, yet loving correction she teaches and shows me how much work there is yet to do. 

It seems to be just at that moment when I expect praise for “all that I had done”, instead I feel unappreciated, and deflated.  Whatever the negative feeling is, the natural part of me associates these negative feelings to my wife and replay the scene over and over in the mind. With constant replaying it leads to resentment or upset. The unfulfilled expectation was that I wanted her to be grateful for all the things that I had done, yet here I was feeling like a child being emotionally scolded for that which I had not done. I had worked so hared and done 95 percent, and yet she focussed on the 5 percent of where I still lacked. All I wanted was acknowledgement of how magnificent, wonderful, valued and love I am. All I wanted was the warmth and love. So there I was focussing on my failure and feeling like a failure. 

I wonder if you can relate to this.  I wonder if this has ever been your experience in an intimate relationship.

I wonder if you have ever replayed the scene over and over in your mind.  This is exactly what I did this morning. Each time I replayed the scene in my mind I felt unappreciated. Each time I ran the movie on the screen of my mind I felt worse and more dis-empowered. Furthermore I then went on to allow it to affect my day.  

AS a life coach I regularly ask my clients, “Who creates those feeling in your body”. 

With that one little sentence I have empowered them to take ownership and responsibility for all of the feelings inside their mind and body.  When they recognise that they have opened their emotions up to this other person of their own free will and choice, they take back their power.  

Using tools and techniques that I know I can rewrite the story, erase the memory or leave it just as it was. I can re-pattern my brain to move from the feeling of unappreciated to another more empowering emotion using a neurological bridge. I can do a meaning re-frame in which I seek to understand the intent of her communication and get present with her desires. I could then change the meaning of the communication in many different ways. For example I could think of how much she loves me by trusting me with her communication. I could think about how I could have showed love during the communication to experience a different outcome. I could think to myself, “isn’t it wonderful that my wife loves me so much that she feels the freedom to speak about anything and everything”. Or I could just leave it alone and get really excited about my wife, and focus on on the good and wonderful aspects of the relationship and anchor excitement into that space. 

The choice is mine and the choice is yours. Let’s make good empowering decisions that build and lift others. Let’s not sweat the little stuff. 

Just like that Disney song, ‘let it go’. Those three words will help each of us mend heartaches, build bridges and heal relationships. 

I may have done and said some things that scared her.  I may have acted in a way created an unsafe space in her mind and heart.  I may have said or done something that left her feeling hurt or unhappy, yet the game is not over yet. I will learn, I will grow and I will be open to course correction. I know that my wife loves me. After all is said and done, I took some different actions today, and those actions were not difficult. Even if it was avoidance reinforcement, (to avoid further upset), the actions I took will yield fruit that will lift what she describes as a ‘burden’ off her shoulders. 

Now, the solution is not to re-pattern my brain and create a happy memory to replace upset, but rather to learn and grow and modify my state, my story or my behavior.  To continue living the way I have been living, will do nothing more than escalate the upset. If there is anything I have learned from relationships, it is that my wife feels like her needs are not being met. I have been so focussed on my goals for Accessworldseminars that I have failed to focus on my marriage.

I asked myself the question, “What is more important to me, my career or my relationship?” What if I made all the money I desire, yet was unable to have the rich and lasting experiences with my wife. What makes me rich, is it money or the depth of connection I enjoy with my beautiful wife. Therefore the solution was one of recognising that my wife was feeling unsafe. I decided to put my attention back onto her, and make sure that this, my marriage, my most important focus in my life is taken care of as my number one priority. 

No success in life can compensate for failure in the home.