I have done previous posts on matching and mirroring and in order to appreciate this post it would be a good idea for you to check out former posts.  I also have a video on my site in which I give two examples in building rapport using matching and mirroring.

Sending a text message or email is a less effective communication strategy.

This seems to be the preferred way for young people to communicate.  The reason this is less effective is because words alone can be significantly misinterpreted.  I recall sending a funny text once to a friend.  This text message was misinterpreted and the friend became offended.  You see all the person got was a written message.  I sent it as a joke, yet the receiver had no way of knowing that I was joking.  As I was writing the joke I said it in a funny way in my own head, and then laughed at how funny I thought the joke was.

Unfortunately the joke did not work and I can only assume that the person read with a very different tone in their mind.  I have wondered how the same message may have been received had I said the joke over the telephone.   If I had given the message by phone I could have communicated with both words and tone.  The tone of my voice would surely have created a different meaning.  I would have spoken in a fun-loving way, and I am sure that my true intended meaning would have.  This would have assisted this person to interpret my message a different way.

The third way to communicate is through body language.  If I was in front of the person I would be able to communicate the humour with words, tone and body language.  I could have acted in a ‘funny’ way.  With the benefit of being able to see my body language, and feel the ‘fun loving’ energy with which the comment was made, I am certain that the words and even tone, would have a different impact and meaning.

This example demonstrates that words alone are limited.  We should strive to utilise words, tone and body language to produce greater levels of understanding.  As we consider words, tone and body language, which of these three carries the most weight?

While there have been many studies done, it is clear that body language carries more weight than anything else.  In 1991 Professor Mehrabian stated that body language makes up 55% of all communication.  Tone makes up 38%, and the remaining 7% is made up by words.  As for body language consider this.  There are more than 70 different muscles in a face, and each expression tells a story.  Furthermore, our posture, movement and behaviour is also constantly communicating.

When building rapport, it is advantageous to begin in a way that has the most impact on others.  That is why I teach others to practice matching and mirroring.  This will build rapport faster as it focuses on the largest communication method.  What is more it is a very simple skill to do at a beginners level, yet complicated and difficult at a mastery level.  When I consider Mastery, the thought occurred to me that mastery is akin to perfection.  It always seems to elude us.  It was whist driving that this quote entered to my mind.   “The first rule of mastery is to realise there is no mastery, just increments of excellence”.  I still like the word mastery and will use it regularly to express the need to challenge ourselves to continually move in increments of excellence.

The purpose of matching and mirroring is building rapport.  The highest level or rapport is pacing and leading.  What this means is that you act, and the other person follows.  Our ability to lead others in a powerful positive way can help us be a good parent, a good employer/employee, a good teacher and a good friend.

Once we have rapport with another person, a good feeling will come to us.  This in itself is a reason to practice this skill.  It feels great to connect with another human being.

Here is an example of pacing and leading.

I was performing a function and was in front of a computer ready to log onto that computer.  I was with another man whom I did not know.  It was a windows based operating system and the log on process was taking a long time.  As I was waiting this man began a conversation with me.  I decided that I was going to build rapport with this man.  The first thing that I did was observe how he was standing. He was smiling and nodding as he asked me the question, “So have you worked here a long time?  Do you enjoy it?”  I saw that his arms were folded, he was slightly leaning back and one of his feet was a little forward while the other leg was beneath him supporting his weight.  I smiled and nodded back.  I then moved my body to mirror his body and every way.

I smiled, nodded my head and stood as he did.  I got a big smile on my face, and I replied with the same level of energy and volume to which he spoke.  After responding I then asked him a question and went on like this for about 30 seconds or so.  The computer came on and I continued to speak with him for a time.  I began pacing and leading by increasing the energy level of the conversation.  I also told a joke and laughed out loud.  He also laughed out loud.  It then came time for me to finalize the process and I told him this by saying, “Right, that’s it”.  While I was saying this I also clapped by hands together.  I spoke with high energy.

What happened next was very interesting.  He then clapped his hands together and with energy said the words, “Right then”.

He was now matching and mirroring me.  You see, once there is a deep level of rapport, then we can pace and lead the other person into the actions and behaviours that we choose.  When in rapport we have greater influence with that person, and can lead them in a positive and fulfilling way.  For myself I build rapport so that I can more effectively breathe life, or lift others.

Also remember, learning to mastery ones emotions is the greatest single factor in communicating with influence.