Breathing Life - Joshua Roy's Blog

I have done previous posts on matching and mirroring and in order to appreciate this post it would be a good idea for you to check out former posts.  I also have a video on my site in which I give two examples in building rapport using matching and mirroring. Sending a text message or email is a less effective communication strategy. This seems to be the preferred way for young people to communicate.  The reason this is less effective is because words alone can be significantly misinterpreted.  I recall sending a funny text once to a friend.  This text message was misinterpreted and the friend became offended.  You see all the person got was a written message.  I sent it as a joke, yet the receiver had no way of knowing that I was joking.  As I was writing the joke I said it in a funny way in my own head, and then laughed at how funny I thought the joke was.   Unfortunately the joke did not work and I can only assume that the person read with a very different tone in their mind.  I have wondered how the same message may have been received had…

My father in Law took occasion to share with me some sad news.  He told me of a man that he had known personally, who was now dead.  He had committed suicide. He explained to me that this death was a shock to everyone who knew him.  His reasons for committing suicide were unclear and the family was left to deal with the results.  His wife was distraught over the act, and was left to question the relationship, the family left behind and everything in their lives. While this created stress and hardship, there were other issues.  You see the man had two families.  He had divorced years earlier and the remarried.  He had children to his first marriage and also to his second. What increased the stress at this difficult time was the fact that the man did not have a will.  He did not have anything in place to protect and preserve his current wife and children.  He stated that the current wife had come to see him.  She was not only suffering grief from the loss of her husband, but the first wife had begun proceedings to secure the man’s inheritance. My father in law used this…

The struggles of ADDICTION   I was working with a man who struggled to separate Love from Sex.  He described that both seemed to him to be one and the same.  He described that when he had sex he felt loved.  When he was rejected sexually, he felt unloved and/or unlovable.   Therefore he had a rule in his life that sex equalled love.  One of the fundamental needs that we have as human beings is the need to be loved.  This led him towards a sex addiction.  He thought that he wanted/needed sex, when he was actually wanting/needing love.  This is not uncommon for one with similar addictions.   Addiction can be very strong, and the roots of addiction very deep.   There is a prevalent thought in the world that “once an addict, always an addict”.  I choose to believe that this statement is completely false.  It is my experience that when an addict is shown another way, that addiction, or any addiction can be overcome.  When the addict chooses another way to meet the need inside themselves, and consistently follow this new way, life will change.  The person simply needs to attach enough pain to the addiction,…

I met a man in his mid-20’s who had survived a terrifying horror in his life. Firstly he told me about a severe football injury.  He had experience temporary paralysis.  He explained that recover took about 6 years, and that he still struggled to carry heavy objects.  He found it difficult to function and yet appeared healthy.   As we were speaking I felt a feeling in my body that indicated that he and I were in rapport. He and I were breathing in unison, we were both siting and he was telling me stories about his life.  It felt really good to be there in rapport with him, and we connected immediately. The beauty of rapport is that people open up and are able to share very personal information, and feel a sense of trust.   Rapport in this case made this conversation heartfelt and meaningful. I felt on this occasion that I should do nothing but listen.  He spoke for about 30 minutes.  He shared experiences from the heart and full of emotion.  At one point he stated “you are only the 3rd person that I have ever told this to”.  I was honoured that he would open up to…

Start believing in yourself! We will all encounter set backs and failures. Resistance serves a grand purpose. I continually think about the inspirational scene in the movie Rocky 6. Rocky has a conversation with his adult son in which Rocky explains that somewhere along the way his son decided to let others put a finger in his face and tell him he was no good. Rock explained that nothing will hit harder than life. That life will drop you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. Rocky said it’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. He explained that this is how winning is done. Rocky explained that looking around for someone to blame when things go wrong is what cowards do. The final thought to his son was, “until you start believing in yourself you’re not gonna have a life”. The world is full of people who will expect our failure. It is full of people who have given up on many of their own hopes and dreams, and have settled for far less than their birthright. They have failed to unlock their…

Have you ever had someone have a breakdown in front of you?  It happened to me this week.  I was with a woman in her early 20’s and she had been given some terrible news.  I helped her to understand the news and what it meant for her, and how it would affect her life over the next several days.  She did not take the news well and showed this by her body language.  She began to weep and cry and say “What.  What.  That can’t be right.  I’ve done nothing wrong”.  She hysterically began to repeat the word “No”, over and over again. As I watched her behaviour I decided to use matching and mirroring. Immediately I copied her body language by crying.  I stood opposite to her, where she could see me and I held my arms up to my face just as she was doing.  I then said, “What.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I don’t know what they will do.  I am new here”. When I was speaking I used the same distressed tone of voice that she had used when she spoke. The result was interesting.  At first I thought that she would…

I spoke with a young woman who has suffered Anxiety and Depression.  This may be circumstantial due to her current situation. Things will be changing for her in the near future and therefore we had a conversation about that future. First I asked if she could see a vision of the future. She responded that she could see it, and described herself in a car with friends singing away as loud as she could. They were all laughing and having a great time. (Vivid imagination – WOW). She sounded very happy as she described this scene. I asked her to continue to describe how she had felt and what she heard. She described feelings of joy and happiness. She described laughter and sounds of Joy. After listening I decided to see if I could assist her to enhance the scene in her mind. I asked her to make the picture she described as big as a house and bright like the sun. I asked her how this felt. She could hardly communicate with me as she imagined the picture enlarged and bright. I then asked her to turn up the sounds in her mind. The music, the laughter and the…

Tonight I concluded the fifth life coaching session with a client. Whilst he had made good progress, I was still striving to see a transformation occur in him. The work that I am interested in, is making changes at the unconscious level. We had communicated about and he had a good understanding at the conscious level yet he was boxed in by the boundary conditions of his own thinking. He was unable to apply the skills because the issue was not lack of skill. The issue was not lack of ability. He is a brilliant man. He has a great marriage and loving family. He experiences good health and high energy levels. He is in a good financial position. He came to me in relation to the only area of his life that he felt was lacking. This area was communication. He had learned throughout his life that if you work hard at any problem, it can be conquered. This approach had worked in all other areas of his life. Yet in this one area of his life, (communication) it seemed that it was not working. He was attentive and made notes. He was completely involved in the exercises that we did,…

Yesterday a work colleague was asked how he was by a visitor and he said the word “great”. Whist he used a positive word in his answer, it really lacked the energy that the word would tend to inspire. The word was flat and without life. The word was free from any tonal inflection. The word was bereft of energy. The word was lifeless. I turned and stated to him that this was the most inauthentic thing I had heard all day. The word was in-congruent with his facial expression, his tone, volume and body language. To that he smiled, and I saw a light come into his eyes as he threw his arms into the air and shouted “GREAT”. This time his energy level was sky-high. The volume was far greater and his face was animated. He was being authentic when he said it this time.  He grinned and then after doing this simple gesture began to laugh. The person that he had said “GREAT” to looked stunned as his reaction was so unexpected. This added to the humour of the situation. He and I both used this simple gesture to energise each other for the rest of the…

A couple of weeks ago I met with a young girl who explained to me that she was in a bit of trouble.  She was in trouble with the courts because she had stolen her mother’s car.  As I was speaking to this young lady I asked her about the relationship she has with her mother.  She explained to me that all her mother cares about is the foster children that she is looking after. I asked her why she stole the car.  She was unable to answer this question. I explained to her that I believe that all of us want to be loved and accepted.  I then asked her “do you think that you stole the car because you wanted your mothers’ attention?  Do you think that you may have done it because deep down you want your mother to love you. She thought about this for a time and then said, “Yes, I guess you are right”.  I then asked her how it was working out for her.  I asked her if her action had the desired result.  The look on her face indicated that her attempts to get her mother to show her love, really did…