The struggles of ADDICTION

I was working with a man who struggled to separate Love from Sex.  He described that both seemed to him to be one and the same.  He described that when he had sex he felt loved.  When he was rejected sexually, he felt unloved and/or unlovable.

Therefore he had a rule in his life that sex equalled love.  One of the fundamental needs that we have as human beings is the need to be loved.  This led him towards a sex addiction.  He thought that he wanted/needed sex, when he was actually wanting/needing love.  This is not uncommon for one with similar addictions.

Addiction can be very strong, and the roots of addiction very deep.

There is a prevalent thought in the world that “once an addict, always an addict”.  I choose to believe that this statement is completely false.  It is my experience that when an addict is shown another way, that addiction, or any addiction can be overcome.  When the addict chooses another way to meet the need inside themselves, and consistently follow this new way, life will change.  The person simply needs to attach enough pain to the addiction, and enough pleasure to the new way of being.  The individual must be empowered to “fill the need” with the new pattern.

The pain can be either imagined or real.  What I mean by this is that to create pain one could take a look into the future in one’s imagination, and see all the negative consequences that will result from the addiction.  When doing this exercise negative feelings must be experienced and felt.  The stronger the feelings, the more powerful the process will be.

The pleasure can also be imagined or real. What I mean by this is that to create pleasure one could take a look into the future in one’s imagination, and see all the positive consequences of no longer having the addiction.  When doing this exercise positive feelings must be experienced and felt.  The stronger the feelings, the more powerful the process will be.

In this situation with this man, life itself had prepared him to change.  The negatives of life had impacted him in a huge way.  He had been ‘beaten down’ by life. He also wanted to have a happy life and this desire was a powerful force in his life.  He was prepared for transformation.

Using a visual technique called the swish pattern, he was able to distinguish the difference between love and sex.  When he described love he described a medium size moving picture about 4 meters in front of him.  When he described lust it was right next to the other picture and contained similar sub modalities to the other picture.

I had him use his imagination to see the (lust) picture slingshot from where it was out into the distance, and become as small as a 50c piece.  I asked him to make it a small black and white picture.

I had him use his imagination to see the (love) picture move from where it was 4 meters away, rapidly toward him.  As the picture came closer I asked him to make the picture grow so that as it reached him it engulfed his entire body.

I painted different scenarios in relation to rejection, loss and loneliness.  Each time I had him see the (love) picture move rapidly toward him and surround him.

I repeated both processes a number of times, and then did a future pace, to ensure that the processes worked.  To our delight, the process worked wonderfully.  I saw his confidence lift and his determination grow, as his mind seemed compelled to create feelings of love inside his body even in the face of rejection.

I asked him to describe what was happening in his mind as he looked into the future.  I asked him to imagine an incident in the future when his wife did not want affection from him.  I asked him to imagine various scenarios in which one may feel unloved, or unlovable.  Each time he thought of a potential negative scenario he saw the (love) image move toward him and overwhelm him.

Love and sex for him were now separated as they should be and he was now prepared to learn the second step in the process.

To see the final outcome please refer to previous blog titled – Transforming negative emotions.