Many years ago I attended an introduction seminar in Tamworth NSW.  A woman was at the front of the room while the audience suggested 20 random items for her to memorise.  I was amazed at her skill and ability as in a matter of minutes she learned and repeated back all 20 items.  Even more impressive was the fact that she had learned every item independently of any other item.  What I mean by this is that she could immediately recall item 7 or item 18.  Finally, the audience was asked to shout out numbers and she could immediately recall the attached number.  I was so impressed that I wondered if I could learn this skill.

Have used memory skills and techniques ever since.

Remember – the most important word in the dictionary.

On another occasion was speaking to a man who told me a lot of his personal history.  I went deeply into his world, and we had a deep level of rapport.  My goal was to understand and appreciate his world.  He told me that he was with his girlfriend and life was perfect.  He had a job, a house, and a great life.  (I knew it was a lie, because if it was perfect for her she would not have left).

Now he is living in a hope centre.  His whole world came crumbling down in 2015.  He spent some time being homeless, where he was beaten several times.  He was removed from his home by police after a domestic violence incident, where he was the perpetrator.

He proceeded to tell me that he had done nothing and that he is only in this situation because of what others had done.  (Refused to take any responsibility).

He told me that he is depressed.  (Again, his depression stemmed from others – he took no individual responsibility).

When asked what would need to happen for him to no longer be depressed, he explained that he would need to get back to his house and get his girlfriend back.  (Both I, and blind Freddy could both see that the chances of him resolving this situation by restoring his relationship are virtually impossible).

Never the less, I will do my best to help people to get what they want.  If this is in fact his will, then as a life coach my role is to help.  My first way of dealing with it was to help him to own what had happened.

Was he being at cause in the situation? Or was he being in effect of the situation?

He explained that his mother died.  He then started to feel depressed.  He then felt suicidal and was contemplating suicide and got very close to jumping in front of a moving car.

He said that his girlfriend did not know that he was suicidal.  (immediately I thought to myself, “of course she knew that something was very wrong”).  I thought about the language he used as he told me that he did nothing.  (I thought to myself, he did nothing other than suffer with depression.  He did nothing but become suicidal, and contemplate taking his own life).

I said “she knew.  She knew that you were suicidal”.  He looked perplexed.  She knew it, if not consciously, she knew it unconsciously.  I explained that even if she did not know exactly what was happening, she was scared.  She understood that something beyond your control was happening and this led her straight into fear.  (His lie about the perfect relationship comes unstuck here).

He was being at effect.  He was blaming things outside of himself. His mother dying, or his girlfriend changing.  He even blamed his brother for putting something onto facebook.

After listening for a period, I told him that happiness is an internal state.  I told him that happiness is not a result of circumstances going a certain way, or another person making a certain choice.  I explained that he did not understand happiness.  I explained that the happiness that he was describing was not happiness, it was a fairy tale.  I explained that in order for him to be happy two things needed to occur.  To be happy, he needed his girl and house back.  I said, “Let’s just imagine that it happened tomorrow?  How long would it take to feel good?”  He said, “A long time”.

I then gave him some cold hard facts.  What were they?  The first thing that I said to him was, “Why would she want a depressed, and suicidal person living with her? Why would she take you back?  Before in this conversation you said that you had done nothing.  Nothing except allow yourself to fall into depression.  Noting except contemplate suicide. Nothing including failure to manage your own state of mind and emotion.

I once heard Dr Wayne Dyer say “Circumstances do not make a man, they reveal him”.  This is an important concept.  Circumstances do not make a man, they reveal him.

He was on the blame train, and did not look to be getting off any time soon.