I remember once thinking or believing that all relationships in this world are dysfunctional.  Yet I realised that I had not yet met every couple or family in this world, neither is it possible to do.  Yet this idea that every relationship is dysfunctional is a thought that has put me at ease as I consider the dysfunctions that do and have existed in my family.

1/         Acknowledge the Dysfunction.

My experience is that most families and individuals attempt to mask, hide, deny or pretend they know nothing about their dysfunction.  Dysfunctions, weather large or small plague families and individuals, making it impossible to imagine a perfectly functional family.  The first step to eliminating the dysfunction in our relationships is to recognise that there is a dysfunction.  As imperfect people in an imperfect world, we are going to offend, hurt, act selfishly and impact others in a negative way.  This may be intentional or otherwise, yet the truth remains that to be human is to make mistakes and be less than perfect.  Often it is easier to see the weaknesses of others.  As we honestly look to our thoughts, actions, habits and character, we will soon discover that we fall short in many ways.  We have challenges in our moods and our attitudes.  This then affects our work performance, out relationships, our physical health and our spirituality.  When we acknowledge that these challenge exists, we place ourselves in a position of empowerment.  This is because acknowledging a weakness is the hardest step toward solving a weakness.

2/         State the Dysfunction.

Once you have discovered the weakness, then we need to put it onto a nut shell statement.  We need to make the idea very small and succinct.  We do this to simplify and shrink the challenge so that we can clearly see what the issue is.  (If a challenge is too big, it may not be attempted).

The challenge may be an addiction, a bad habit, an emotional need, lack of communication or a number of other things.

One man commented that he becomes very fearful when his partner goes out with the girls for a night out drinking.  He stated that when she drinks she becomes flirty and sexual toward other men.  (She has a history of infidelity).  He stated that he worries the whole time she is out.  He also stated that she laughs at his insecurity and this makes him feel even worse.

He worked out that he was co-dependent.  Once he recognised this he could choose do something about it, however he needed to put it into a nut shell statement.

This statement could have been one or all of the following.

a/         “I am fearful of being abandoned and alone”.

b/         “I am feel responsible for my partners’ choices”.

c/         “I lack trust and want to control the situation”.

(All three of these nutshell statements clearly relate to co-dependency).

Obviously in this and every scenario there is dysfunction on both sides, therefore the other party could also choose to make changes.  However as soon as one person changes the dynamic of a dysfunction, the other party is forced to also make changes.  This is simply because once the sand is shifting, both must move to stable ground.

3/         Raise your emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is such a key component to success and happiness in life.  It is a well-known fact that 71% of employers state that EQ is more important than IQ.  It is EQ that helps one to get along with others.  It is EQ that allows one to deal with volatile situations without losing control.  It is EQ that allows one to form deep, meaningful and lasting relationships.

The great news is that everyone can increase their EQ.  It requires work and persistence however at AccessWorldSeminars we teach EQ from the standpoint that everyone can learn to take charge of their state of mind and emotions.  We teach state management in a way that neurologically repatterns the participants, with increased emotional intelligence.  This training produces real results that will help a person move forward rapidly.

In the absence of seminars I would encourage the slower processes of reading books, discussing the subject of EQ with friends and family, and otherwise making progress in your own way.

4/         Practice a new emotional response to difficult situations.

A family is simply a collection of individuals.  When just one individual in the family begins to transform, the whole situation and therefore the whole family can and will transform.  There is great power in the transformation of an individual.

Consider the man who becomes very fearful when his partner goes out with the girls for a night out drinking.  His focus was on being abandoned and alone, and these thoughts led him into the emotion fear.  This then became his reality.  (The reticular activating system in his brain filtered out positive thoughts and feelings).  In this situation he was causing himself to feel the negative emotions attached to the possibility of a negative turn in the relationship.  This is a key ingredient to creating a negative future.  REMEMBER that expectation rules outcome.  Feeling negative feelings while thinking about a future event, and making pictures in that event in the mind, is a powerful way to create that future.  Please remember that we don’t always get what we want in life, we often get what we expect.  Since he was expecting his wife to get drunk, flirt and be sexual toward other men, he got to feel that it was true regardless of reality.  That idea became a catalyst that led to the feeling of fear.

The way we change this is by doing one or all of the following – depending on the student.

1/         Disrupting the old pattern.  NLP strategies technique.

2/         Creating a new emotional neurological bridge.  Neurological Repatterning technique.

3/         Neurological shock during the pattern.  Tony Robbins Technique. (BE HEALED).

4/         Decision Destroyer.  NLP Technique.

5/         Time Line work.  NAC.

6/         Spinning.  Energy and Nervous system + NLP technique.

7/         Collapse Anchor.  NLP technique.

8/         Meaning Rephrame.  NLP technique.

I will briefly discuss meaning rephrame.  Often times by changing the meaning we get a different feeling or response.  When we change the feeling, we change the pattern.  When we have a new pattern we can deal with the situation in a new way.  We need to be careful here to ensure that the change of meaning is empowering and produces a new pattern with a positive result.

A possible meaning rephrame might look something like this.

Old script.  “She has gone out drinking again, she will get drunk and cheat on me”.

New script.  “She is fully responsible for her choices and actions.  I know that she will choose well and that we can joyfully move into the future together”.  (The power of repeating a mantra like this, over and over again is extraordinary.  Remember that it is not about the outcome.  Rather it is about taking your personal power back).

5/         Finally it is time to celebrate.

You have done something tremendous.  You have achieved a great victory over yourself.  It is time for you to celebrate the victory.  We celebrate as if we have landed that new job, had a baby, got married or overcome any new challenge.  Yell, fist pump and jump with excitement.  Allow yourself to really experience the rewards that come with progress.

After this we take a look at what we have done.  We have shifted in a positive way closer to our perfect self.  After making a shift we begin to see more clearly where we actually are on the road to self-mastery.  We realise that the road ahead is long and the path is fraught with peril.

Also a word of warning.  Some think that having less dysfunction than another makes them better, or more advanced.  They may think that this puts them into a position of superiority, supremacy, power and authority.  At this point the Ego can take over and this person may find themselves full of arrogance and pride.  Dr Wayne Dyer said that the word EGO is an acronym for Edge God Out.  He said that when we are born we are perfect in every way.  Then as that child grows, the parents say in effect, “That’s ok God, we will take over from here”.  This is where every challenge in our life begins.  The naive thought that we could possibly do it on our own.