Have you ever had someone have a breakdown in front of you?  It happened to me this week.  I was with a woman in her early 20’s and she had been given some terrible news.  I helped her to understand the news and what it meant for her, and how it would affect her life over the next several days.  She did not take the news well and showed this by her body language.  She began to weep and cry and say “What.  What.  That can’t be right.  I’ve done nothing wrong”.  She hysterically began to repeat the word “No”, over and over again.

As I watched her behaviour I decided to use matching and mirroring.

Immediately I copied her body language by crying.  I stood opposite to her, where she could see me and I held my arms up to my face just as she was doing.  I then said, “What.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I don’t know what they will do.  I am new here”.

When I was speaking I used the same distressed tone of voice that she had used when she spoke.

The result was interesting.  At first I thought that she would think that I was mocking her and get angry.  She did not get angry.  She did not know me and was unaware of my personality.  Could I really come across as a fragile person?

She stopped crying, looked at me and smiled in my direction.  A few moments after she stopped crying, I stopped making the sounds of crying and waited to see what she would do next.  I then dropped my arms to my side, just as she had done.  I continued to mimic her behaviour as if playing the game ‘Simon says’, only with a delay of several seconds.

We then had a conversation that was very different and she was suddenly very interested in me.  I recognised that matching and mirroring her behaviour had interrupted her pattern.  Crying and projecting weakness (the tools that she was using), can be just as manipulative as aggressive or violent behaviour.

It was amazing how quickly someone can snap out of an intense negative emotion.

This is an example of how matching and mirroring can build rapport.  There is great power in rapport, and effective matching and mirroring can build instantaneous rapport.

Generally people are so ‘into themselves’ that that will not notice consciously what you are doing.  Matching and mirroring is a way of showing another person that you honour and respect them.  When practiced effectively we are able to lead another person into a state of trust and responsiveness.